My Mycelium Journey

It just takes one trajectory in a negative direction... 

Sometimes the story isn't as true as your mind had you believe.   Today Tommi reached out about the last 2 pinball games and getting them to me.  My first thought was "i hope she's OK". Wondering what spurred this.  I hope she's happy and healthy and just wants her space back.  I do often think of her when I do my loving kindness meditation.   I feel bad for being so upset.  What a hard time for all of us.  And i know and appreciate all she had to go thru trying to keep dad comfortable when he was sick. Thankful she could be there for him when he needed it most.  I wish I could have gotten more time with him,  but thankful that I got time with him at all. What i perceived as "meanness" was her attempt to protect Dad.  Kids really can be parasites,  I totally get it. Parents can't see it and the kids don't either,  but their partners sure do.  I tried so hard not to be a drain to parents but it's really hard to se...

Maga texts out of control.  Today they sent one about drag queens grooming kids. I'm not sure i could love a "type" more,  but don't come after my queens.... angels with eyelashes!  I responded to the bot with this:   I'm so sorry for anyone who never felt safe enough to explore who they are. Hopefully everyone will find kindness and loving support soon. I wasn't sure on Talarico, but you've sold me 100% on him. I hope kids can become whomever they want and are received with love and support no matter how big their dreams (or eyelashes are). So thankful for all the work queens do with our kids. We have plenty of mass shootings and pedophiles in power. Time for a change. When the power of love becomes greater than the love of power, the world will know peace (Hendrix). 🥰

We are more alike than not....  Love > Power = Peace Allow love to win. 

 Pocket Boundaries Card For moments when your voice needs a spine and a root system --- 1. When I’m interrupted “Pause. I’m not finished.”   (Mycelium grows in silence, but it still takes up space.) --- 2. When my feelings are debated “I’m not debating this. I’m sharing my experience.”   (Truth doesn’t need permission to exist.) --- 3. When my reactions are compared  “We’re different people. My experience stands on its own.”   (No two mushrooms grow the same way.) --- 4. Fixation on wording instead of meaning “You’re focusing on the words, not what I’m trying to say.”   (Communication is a forest, not a single leaf.) --- 5. When the conversation steers away from my truth “Bring it back. This is about what I’m saying.”   (Roots don’t wander — they hold their ground.) --- 🌿 Footer mantra (tiny, at the bottom): “My voice is allowed to take up space.”   “I am not soil for someone else’s comfort.”

Some fill the space with noise so they don't have to feel the discomfort underneath. 

The more good you see, the better off you'll be! 

There are no bad drugs,  only bad uses of drugs.  There are no bad gods, only bad uses of god.  Why must we be so caught up on judgments on arbitrary morals?   Right and wrong are not black and white.  Be good.   Choose Love.  Appreciate Others.

It's shit either way... you can either smear it on the wall or plant a seed in it

When "how can I help?" Turns into "there's nothing left of me for me" #nocookies

Kids who never learn to: pack their own things for a planned activity clean up after themselves say thank you take responsibility think ahead… grow into adults who: can’t manage their own lives expect others to fix things struggle in relationships struggle at work feel helpless when things go wrong Legal adult is not the same as functional adult

Interception 

A quiet welcoming space to explore simple arts and crafts together.  Come as you are,  create at your own pace,  and share in a gentle way of making.  -Be the River

Each day,  ask self:  Am I going to add to the aggression in the world?

You don’t have to watch yourself heal in real time. You just wake up one day and realize you’re not the creature you thought you were.  You don’t have to earn this. You don’t have to manage it. You don’t have to fix yourself. You just get to see the truth now. I'm not the thing I was afraid I was. 

It is so important to be understood.  To feel seen. First by self,  then by others.  Without attunement: Closeness doesn't feel like connecting. Conversation doesn't feel mutual. Presence doesn't feel supportive.  Time out for a child is the worst punishment.  They learn they will be abandoned if they don't mask to an acceptable emotional state.  Time outs are for parents only. 

religion

He waited to see me again,  7 days later he was gone.  I'm so thankful I got to see him and got to say goodbye.  I miss him so much.  Greatful for every minute I got to see him.  

crafting pottery becoming

Deep discussions last night about what meditation seemed most beneficial to someone fairly new to meditating.  The chant.  As a catholic,  there was familiarity with the rosary. The singing chant with music, for me. I think the science is indisputably favorable.  The music fills the room so the fear of someone hearing you hum is reduced.  Getting you out of your head enough to participate at any level helps.  Once you get to the words or singing along you've consumed so much brain following what you're saying there's not much left for ruminating. The words don't matter as much.  Kirtan - But as an agnostic it feels a little weird knowing they are holy names.  How to create a sing song loving mantra with music?  Everyone's doing it,  instantly feels like community.  Valgus nerve activates on humming/singing.  Discussions also flowed to IFS which seems to be in use for friends child and working very effectively. Identified by use...

Mission Statement: At Mindful Mycelium Crafts, we honor the quiet connection that art awakens — a living flow that brings joy, reflection, and renewal. We believe creativity is a mindful practice, a way to navigate life’s tender seasons and rediscover the spark within. Through shared crafting experiences, we invite others to enter the sacred rhythm of making, where time softens and healing begins.    Art is the gift that continues to bloom long after it’s shared.    In Loving Kindness,  Mindful Mycelium Crafts Craft around and find out 💕  Where the fear is... that's where the work is. 

I bought a 20 pack of crochet hooks tonight.  I can't wait to introduce people to their flow! I'm so excited to teach my first crafting class at my meditation center.  I am so grateful to this space and so unbelievably excited to to try to give back by sharing knowledge and my craft.   Today we made beautiful sconces using crochet in slab rolls.  I may never be able to repay as much as I've received, but I am grateful for a chance to help others shine.  I know 2 students that are ready to give it a go at least!  🥰

If you can't change your mind,  you can't learn.

Forgiveness

It's never too late, until it is....  1. Listen without getting defensive This one won't be easy, but Dr. Lira de la Rosa stresses it's important to do the hard thing. "It is important to create space for them to share their perspective," he shares. "Instead of trying to correct their memory or explain your intentions, focus on understanding how they experienced things." 2. Own up to things when you can Dr. Lira de la Rosa emphasizes it's important to take responsibility when possible. "Even if you did your best at the time, acknowledging that something may have hurt your child is powerful," he says. "A sincere  apology —one that focuses on their feelings rather than your own guilt—can go a long way." 3. Let them set the pace of communication It's understandable to want to fast-forward to the happy ending. However, healing takes time. "It’s tempting to try to fix things quickly, especially when guilt is dr...

Or at least they can maintain some level of dignity.  Why couldn't my dad have that? 

Conflict step away, listen war simplified compassionate curiosity deeper meaning open up and ask

Anxiety

Somatic Movement

Just.Be.You

  Why Crafting Matters: A Gentle Invitation Crafting offers more than expression—it’s a gateway to gratitude especially when experiencing grief. Even while heartache is fresh, the act of making becomes something to be thankful for: 🌿 Instant Gratitude Through Creation   The crafted piece itself—tender, raw, maybe imperfect—is a symbol of survival, presence, and care. To witness your sorrow reshaped into form is to say: I am still here, and I honor what I carry. And from that gratitude, other benefits ripple outward: 🌬️ Nervous System Support   Gratitude activates parasympathetic pathways. Pairing it with tactile creation deepens the grounding—helping the body feel safe enough to soften. 🧭 Restores a Sense of Agency   Gratitude reminds us that even in pain, there are choices. Grief crafting becomes a conscious offering—one that nourishes instead of drains. 🔗 Strengthens Relational Bridges   A crafted piece can be shared as a gratitude toke...

Purpose in 5 minutes Who are you? 

Processing trauma can have a profound impact on emotional health—like tending to a long-neglected garden so that new things can take root. When we confront trauma with compassion and intentionality, several things begin to shift: 🌱 Emotional Regulation Improves - We become less reactive and more responsive.  - Triggers lose their grip over time, allowing us to reclaim agency in emotionally charged moments. 🪞 Self-Understanding Deepens - Making meaning of what happened often reveals hidden strengths, unmet needs, and patterns we've inherited or outgrown. - We begin to see our pain not as a flaw, but as part of our narrative—with its own wisdom. 🧩 Greater Integration - Unprocessed trauma can fragment the psyche; processing helps unify those disowned parts. - There's often a felt sense of “coming home” to oneself—more congruent, grounded, and whole. 🤝 Relational Healing - Emotional health flourishes when we feel safe and seen. Healing trauma often opens us to deeper reciprocit...

You don’t have to carry it to honor what it taught you...

You don't have to control your thoughts; you just have to stop letting them control you. - Dan Millman

If you are unhappy with something, change it... Don't just do it again somewhere else... Listen to messages. I find myself dreadfully unhappy at work again, turnover is high, and we just can't keep people. And it's the good people leaving... Priorities shift on a dime, and nothing gets finished on time because we can't keep up with all the tasks without effective project management. Everything is in a state of panic and it's just uncomfortable. It is not fun working on a ghost train there's too much to do. Dad suggested I take time off and recenter... find something that aligns with my values (or at least isn't a polar opposite)  I HATE HEALTHCARE FOR PROFIT! ...but with all the health problems (from working the stressful jobs) I feel obligated to keep healthcare coverage, which as an american, means working for someone else and abolishing any hope or dream that I've ever had. The ultimate catch-22.  Dad also seemed to take pride in that I suffered thru ...

What a remarkable gift it is to alleviate someone’s anxiety and worry. Just two days ago, I stumbled across a wallet in the HEB parking lot. At first glance, it was hard to tell what it was, but upon picking it up, I discovered a dollar bill and an ID inside. Curious, I decided to embark on a little quest. A more thorough examination revealed that while there were no credit cards, there was a substantial amount of cash—around $300. It seemed the wallet had been left intact, as cash is usually the first thing to go. I attempted to return it to the address listed on the ID without any trouble. When I arrived, a friendly woman was sitting on the patio, working on her laptop. I introduced myself and mentioned that I was looking for “Ricky” and that I had found his ID, omitting any mention of the wallet or its contents. She informed me that she had moved there in September and reached out to the landlord. After that, I didn’t hear anything further. After giving it some thought, I decided to...

  James - Varieties of Religious Experience.pdf - Google Drive

Compassionate Inquiry Life Architect Webinar

  Chart of Easily Missed Autistic Traits in Women

I dare you to type this into ChatGPT.... I want to uncover the masks I’m currently wearing, the roles I’m currently playing and the illusions I’m believing in. Please guide me thru this process by asking me 10 reflective questions one at a time to help me recognize the stories I’m telling myself. After I answer the 10th question, please step into the role of my higher self and analyze my responses. Identify the top negative patterns present in my life and the top positive patterns I can embrace and grow, be direct and truthful. Tough love is welcome. provide me with daily affirmations to support my growth actionable steps to change my behaviors and embody my authentic self and a message of encouragement from my higher self to celebrate how far I’ve come on my journey.

 Crying is the first way we communicate. In fact, parents often breathe a sigh of relief when they hear their baby's first cry. However, as a child grows, crying—and other behaviors that express hurt—can cause parents and other adults in the room to label them as "too sensitive." While it's not sticks and stones, the label can hurt. "The period of time in which we are constructing the foundational blueprint of our sense of self," Dr. Madeline "Maddy" Brener, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist with Thriveworks. "During this time, we are very influenced by the opinions and assertions of others about who we are, especially ones voiced by our parents, caregivers and trusted adults...If someone is told they are 'too sensitive' by any of those trusted voices, especially if they are told it repeatedly, it becomes one of the core elements of our self-definition." When someone internalizes the "too sensitive" label, it can ...

"Atheism is what happens when you read the bible. Christianity is what happens when somebody else reads it for you." - Bertand Russell Be agnostic, stay curious,  search for truth. 

 I don't know that I've ever met anyone that could smile with their eyes like Dad could.  Or look 20 well into their 40's... He only looked like an old man the last 4 months of his life, and really it was just after the Chemo. That was so wrong for him. I know who pushed that on him and how much he suffered thru that.  Also realizing so many things that I would have liked to ask about or talk to him about but it wasn't possible with the warden. Just stress and panic when visiting hours would get cut short abruptly. Realizing it wasn't all just about getting to know Dad, but wanting Dad to know who I was. will never get to show him who I am.  How can I help others keep from being abused like Dad was? There has to be a way to help. He kept suggesting abused spouse charity, but that's just hoping someone else will do good things with your donation. It's very specific. There has to be away to get empowerment back to the victim after being abused. Or just recogni...

 Memories fade, so write them down before you forget... I think I remember the instance when Dad helped that one time that was one time too many. He came over to help me install a shelf in the entry way at my place. I was worried I wouldn't do it correctly, find the stud and what not. Took maybe an hour. He wasn't allowed to stay long, he had to run back to the boss. That leash was always so tight, I still don't know how he was ever able to breathe. It was soon after this that they were looking at places to move to. They looked in New Mexico, maybe Colorado. I think they liked New Mexico, but Terrible was worried about water drying up. Or was it that New Mexico is too close to Texas? I didn't put it together then... It wasn't just the car being moved off the property so that dad could host horses (he hated horses - biggest fights between mom and dad). It was all an attempt to get me out of his life.  No wonder the hate intensified at the end. She could tell that Dad...

Lost Dad at 0800 this morning.  There are no words... 

Beta is not short for better... gotta make it betta (beter)....

Don't pinch off your abundance... Enjoy being here. Look for things here that you find enjoyable. Reframe it any way you need to. Own up to how you feel; acknowledge it; Invision where you want to take it. Look for things that are already good. You are the only one keeping you from being happy. I want to be in the room when you think of something you've never thought of before. I want to be around when you have these great ideas.  I want you to feel good about you when I'm anywhere near you.  I can't fix the world. I can only work on how I see the things around me. There is an abundance. The law of attraction... Allow the vibration to establish the desires created. If you aren't ready for what you want; Don't fill in your grid. If it was ready, it would already be a manifested reality. Easy to feel good, like what i see, get thru day, be me, work i want to do, 2 individuals with separate and together projects. certain, secure, real, true, honest, deep, easy, gen...

This is the last email I wrote Dad. I'm not sure if he read it or deleted it.... He was just about off the phone by the time I finally got this sent to him. I mentioned it to him and he said he'd try to find a time where he could read it, but hard when the warden is around all the time. Sent 1/7/2025   Remember that acronym?  Not Safe for Work – Might want to read solo and delete -  there is honesty in here. I miss you so much. I don't feel like we ever got the chance to know each other very well as adults. I was so young and dumb when you moved away, mid 20's will do that to you. I think 30 is about when you start figuring it out. All the projects you worked on and things you invented. I missed out on all that. I can’t understand that on a phone call. It was wonderful getting to solder that one board together. I try to share tidbits, but it’s so hard when we don’t get to see each other. Maybe It’s only your spouse you’re supposed to know… that doesn’t seem right...

I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.  Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.  You are what you do, not what you say you'll do. Where your fear is, there is your task.  Thinking is difficult, Judging is easy. The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you are.  Your ability to create the reality you want is directly correlated with how willing you are to experience its opposite. You have to be ok with being uncomfortable to achieve success.  Hard now or hard later. 

"aren't you going to say goodbye to your dad?" I had my hands full of stuff loading up the truck and car. Why would she offer to help when she can make hurtful passive aggressive statements?  Reminded me of the "leaving so soon" comment she made in front of the reception desk at the hospital. She said this in front of her friends, good. Show them who you are. Of course, I want to spend any time with Dad I can, the only reason I haven't been there this entire time was because she wouldn't allow it. And he didn't want the drama to fight for it. I wanted nothing more than to be bored with Dad, just talk about life, experiences. Struggles, lessons. Nothing, everything.  Cruel... Greedy... Evil... so many adjectives.  She couldn't even look at me when I was getting ready to go after saying goodbye to Dad. I was surrounded by their friends with love and hugs, she had to run off. Can't even be in the same room. Her friends see this and how terrible ...

I can't imagine having to create a reality for a partner such that they always look good, especially when they are nothing short of pure evil.  Constantly reassuring them, even when you probably shouldn't be. Having to re-direct conversations so they are always the center of attention.  Hiding anything that might piss them off as an indication they aren't perfect. Letting it roll off your shoulders when they yell and scream at you in the most disrespectful of ways in front of all your friends. What do you say to a friend when they call out your spouse for treating you like shit? Everyone notices but you are still trying to make this look normal, so she doesn't feel bad. It's all about her. It has to be all about her or there will be hell to pay. How does that help a feedback loop for improvement?  I get told not to make excuses, but so many excuses were made for her terrible behavior.  Your daughter isn't even allowed in your house, and you just go with it? You ...

Stomach agony after 3 bites of food. Lips are peeling and starting to bleed. hurts just to take food off the fork. Hospice nurse says that gets worse until you start choking because you can't swallow. He has the meds ready for when he gets there, but how much is that actually going to help? Miserable and terrified. I guess that is how it ends for all of us.  Why Can't there be a better option for people? Pets don't even have to suffer this much.  He's 70, the government would have preferred he worked up until 3 years ago. Can you imagine? you finally get out of work and then 3 years later... why work? Will I even get to see him when I'm there in 10 days? Spent a fortune mailing grapefruit but sounds like he won't be able to eat that from all the acid on hurt lips. Also got him a local honey with pecans in it from Texas. That would have been his favorite under normal circumstances...  I really just wanted to sit in the room and be bored with him. Just think up id...

AKA Seasonal Affective Disorder Dealing with sadness can be challenging, and it’s important to remember that it’s a natural emotion that everyone experiences at times. Especially this time of year when Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is peaking for some. Here are some strategies that might help: Acknowledge Your Feelings: Allow yourself to feel sad without judgment. Recognizing your emotions is the first step toward processing them. Talk About It: Sharing your feelings with friends, family, or a therapist can provide support and perspective. Sometimes just expressing what you’re feeling can lighten the burden. Engage in Activities You Enjoy: Doing things you love can help lift your mood. Whether it’s reading, painting, playing sports, or watching a favorite show, find what makes you happy. Practice Self-Care: Make sure to prioritize your physical health. This includes getting enough sleep, eating nutritious meals, and engaging in physical activity. Mindfulness and Meditation: Techniq...

Zane stared out the window of his small studio apartment, the remnants of a life filled with pain and loss swirling in his thoughts like the autumn leaves dancing outside. Each leaf fell like a memory, a reminder of the past that he couldn’t seem to escape. At 30, he felt like a ghost wandering through a world that had never quite accepted him. It all started when he was just fifteen. The day he ran away from home was etched in his mind, a vivid flash of his mother’s rage—her voice, a sharp blade that cut through the air; her hands, throwing rocks not only at him, but at his spirit. Zane remembered walking along the roadside, his bike by his side, feeling both liberated and terrified in the middle of the night. Life as he knew it was over, but a classmate named Jake had picked him up, offering him a ride home. In that moment, Zane felt a flicker of hope. Yet, hope was fleeting. The world had a cruel sense of timing. In 2005, only a few months after Zane’s long-time girlfriend, Layl...

Or else....   Low Self-Esteem Adults who were yelled at as children often struggle with low self-esteem. Constant criticism can erode a child’s confidence, leaving them feeling inadequate or unworthy. This insecurity may carry over into adulthood, where they constantly question their abilities and value. Anxiety Being yelled at frequently creates an environment of tension and fear. As adults, these individuals often develop chronic anxiety, feeling constantly on edge or worried about making mistakes, even in situations that don't warrant such stress. Trouble trusting others When children are yelled at, they learn to fear and distrust the people who are supposed to protect and support them. This lack of trust can persist into adulthood, making it difficult to form close, healthy relationships. People-Pleasing Tendencies Adults who grew up with frequent yelling often become people-pleasers. To avoid conflict, they may go out of their way to make others happy, even at the expense...

Transitions can be challenging. What do I even mean, transition? Moving from one thing to another. Maybe something as simple as getting home from work but getting stuck in the car before you go inside. Maybe driving around the block a few extra times before you're able to actually get to the event that is so exciting it got you out of the house in the first place. Hopefully, you didn't get so overwhelmed you skipped entirely.  The hardest part is showing up.  Going to a party is also a great example, showing up and leaving are both transitions here. Walking into a crowded room is daunting. So, I've always thought it was best to show up early before everyone else gets there. Introductions tend to be more one on one, which is much easier to do. Then the other aspect of the transition is leaving the party. Ugh. Almost as hard as showing up at all.  I don't want to be the first person there or the last to leave, but all too often the overthinking starts... hard to get there...

"abusive malignant alcoholic narcissist piece of shit"  Couldn't have said it better myself... those weren't even my words.  I have friends that love me and don't want my family abused. Thankful for that.  I don't want her to be meaner, I'm scared to call APS. But I do worry about Dad.... Very sad call from Dad today.  He wants me there.  He wants to have Christmas together.  His last Christmas... seems reasonable.  Mentioned the empty room upstairs.  Hard to hear dad crying he wants to see me and the only thing keeping me from being there is a controlling monster that is full of hate he married. He remembered me saying I thought he was moving too fast...  Narcissistic love bombs can be misleading...  Told me to take the car when we come because she won't even let Chris take him for joy rides anymore. 

The only thing you can do in a country that doesn't prioritize Healthcare is to self medicate.  We are only getting sicker...

Issues that haters experience...   1. They’re drowning in their own insecurities. Hateful people often project their insecurities onto others because it’s easier than dealing with their own flaws. If they feel inadequate, they’ll tear someone else down to feel superior. Deep down, they’re terrified of being exposed for who they really are—a person who doesn’t feel good enough. Hate becomes their armor, but it’s a weak shield. 2. They can’t let go of past pain. Unresolved trauma can fester into bitterness and resentment, fueling a cycle of anger and hate. Instead of seeking healing, they cling to their pain as an identity. It’s like they’re trapped in the past, lashing out at the world for what happened to them. Forgiveness could set them free, but they refuse to embrace it. 3. They fear losing control over others. Hate is often a power play, a way for them to feel in control when their life feels chaotic. By intimidating or demeaning others, they create the illusion of dominance. B...