My Mycelium Journey

Somethings are outside of my control, but I am still able to see and focus on so many wonderful things that I did get to share with my father. This post will likely be updated as I think of new things to add. No one is perfect, but if I could pick a Dad I'd still pick the one I got. If we could go around again, I think we'd both probably change some things. But my love for him wouldn't change a bit and it hasn't. I can't believe you could teach me how to ride a bike. It's even more shocking that you could ride along with me and record a video of it at the same time. How is that even possible? My dad is a superhero. On January 1st, 1987 (1991?), Dad and his friend, Glenn Iltis pour the slab to my playhouse in the backyard. This was one of the most special things that was ever made for me. All those times cleaning the closet. You know, they say messy workspaces are a sign of intelligence. I guess it depends on who you ask. The internet will tell you anything you w...

I am upset with all that is going on, I think it speaks to how much I love him. Hard to overlook all the hate from one source that is keeping us apart at this time. He's got a point; it is so miserable being unwanted there and that's not going to change, unfortunately.  You really want the best for the people you love. You assume things will work out and that they are making the best decisions for themselves. Maybe it's my fault for not saying something sooner. I knew at the time jumping into something that fast after a mentally ill wife for 28 years might not be optimal. No therapy, No time to reconnect to inner self and redefine values or boundaries. Starting from a compromise is always more challenging. I don't know of any others that he dated. He mentioned a couple dates... but never serious enough to meet? no second date? Dating is hard, rejection sensitives pop up and they can be ugly. those inner dialogues that seek and destroy.  Maybe that would have been a good...

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It was hard to hear "enjoy your family" from Dad on Thanksgiving day. I'm not wanted where he is at, so any sort of last holiday is forbidden by Terrible. I am not welcome for Dad's last Christmas. I'm not even allowed in the house (only the basement to pick up dad's "junk") next time we go. We did get authorization to use one particular bathroom, there isn't one in the garage, so gotta get bit by dogs getting to that one bathroom... She says I'm greedy but she's the one taking all of dad's time. Whatever she can do to make it harder for me, she'll do it!  I can't think of anything more selfish or cruel. That was my thanksgiving... Trying not to cry at the beach and ruin it for my real family (the family that can tolerate my existence). I am thankful for them.  Today dad mentioned that the lady he is giving his water controller panel patent to is coming to visit. This is a total stranger. I'm not wanted there, but some ran...

Lack of action is a decision. Control issues Pissed he bought car with his money  Pissed he went on vacation with his daughter (she was invited) Was upset about something I wore to her event, not thankful i showed up at all (why the fuck did i go?!) Has 3 ex-husbands SHE DIDN'T WANT KIDS - ESPECIALLY YOUR KID! Dad hate horses, she got horses. didn't want to have dogs, she trains her dogs to be aggressive and wants large dogs Is unable to play games, because her sisters would win at games when she was a young child. Dad's life and main hobby is pinball. that is technically a game. She hates pinball.  is unable to enjoy anything if it isn't about her I'm not sure she enjoys anything. quite miserable to be around She can't figure out how to work a TV remote  hates so much. It's not just me! Friends drink too much of her wine and don't share, sometimes the topics aren't centered around terrible enough, etc. Alcoholic Mean Demands help and immediate atten...

 We arrived at the beach for Thanksgiving holiday Sunday evening.  Dad brought up the car again.... on picking up the "junk" in the basement. my gifts from father must be picked up before March 31st or everything is auctioned. I thought he wanted me to have these things. I had a truck ready when we were there last and he said don't take. We spent hours packing up that game for Didn't get deposit back and now I'm getting shit on for not planning enough. It is 100% impossible do to anything that is right enough for terrible. I guess I have to make another trip to get the car later. This is supposed to be after he's gone. I really don't want to come all the way back just to get the car. It's not like I get to visit or see dad. Even for the pinball pickup, he has to get down to the basement if he wants to see us because that is the only space we are authorized. It's not like these trips are easy. We aren't even allowed into the house (except for th...

Ethical dying reform needs to be expedited.  It's ridiculous what we are expected to go thru here.  I can spare my dog from suffering but not myself or my father (when dying of cancer,  as an example)... How is that ok?  How many more times is Dad going to say he wants to get out of here quickly?   I'm not a welcome visitor,  unfortunately.  I do very much appreciate the recent time with him and extra chatting.  Lucky in so many ways to have these memories despite missing so many years and being denied at this time.  I made him a bracelet,  it says "Joy loves Clayton". He's changed my name on email so that there's less hate associated to it.  Dissociation at its finest.  She's poisoning the idea of me in my father.  Terrible. I can't think of anything that would hurt worse.  Not sure I'll be able to give him the bracelet,  terrible would be so upset if it got any positive accolades. (Crochet picc sweaters in...

The difference between "hurt" and "truth" is 1 additional "T".

Ads are so fucked up. There's never been anything more uncomfortable than "home". Why do I ever "want to go home"? Why do Alzheimer's patients always want to go home, but have such trouble finding it? 

Establishing and asserting boundaries can be challenging, especially if you’re not used to doing so. Here are some steps to help you start setting and asserting your boundaries: Steps to Start Asserting Boundaries: Self-Reflection: Take time to understand your feelings, needs, and limits. Journaling can help clarify what your boundaries are and why they matter to you. Identify Your Boundaries : Determine which areas of your life need boundaries. This could include emotional, physical, time-related, or material boundaries. Communicate Clearly: Once you identify your boundaries, communicate them clearly and assertively. Use “I” statements to express your needs (e.g., “I need some time alone to recharge”). Practice Assertiveness: Start small by asserting boundaries in low-stakes situations to build your confidence. Gradually work your way up to more significant boundaries. Stay Consistent: Consistency is key. If you set a boundary, stick to it. This reinforces your commitment to maint...

I remember a time when I was 7; I don't remember much from childhood, but this memory stands out. I was laying down on the bottom bunk bed in my room where I grew up. I was talking with dad, I don't remember what about, but I remember being upset and saying, "I hate myself; I wish I didn't exist!" Mom overheard this and went and got a serrated knife from the kitchen and handed it to me. I can still see the knife. Wooden handle, blade was about 5 inches. A steak knife.  At this point I was pretty young, and I don't think I fully understood what to do with the knife. Mom didn't show me what to do or how to use it. I think I knew it was something with wrists, I considered stabbing myself with it but inevitably wussed-out. That's not something you do in front of other people, or I didn't feel right at the time. But I kind of wish I had tried. What would she have done? If I did well, how would she have explained this at the hospital? If I'd tried a ...

 more relevant than ever...  Actions speak louder than words.  Reference: "I love you" does not sound the same as "Please don't come visit me when I'm dying, I don't want to deal with the drama." "I'll try to be dead before you come to pick up the stuff (if you don't get the stuff before March 31, selling it)".  You made your bed, now lie in it.  Reference: Sorry, Dad. This one sucks, you enabled this for 20 years and made it worse. Treat others how you want to be treated.  Reference: Home for the holidays. No Man is an Island. Reference: All the times I offered to help that she wouldn't accept. She's going mental trying to keep up with all the things dad was taking care of for her.  There's no place like home. Reference: House of hate. Familiarity breeds contempt. Reference: Dad living the dream.

Joy sat on her bed, staring out the window at the snow gently falling outside. It was Christmas Eve, and the world looked like a winter wonderland, but inside her heart, there was only a heavy fog of sadness. It had been nearly two decades since her father, Clayton, had married Joni and moved far away. In that time, their once-close bond had grown distant, frayed by Joni’s coldness and the miles that separated them. As a child, Joy had adored her father. Clayton was her hero, always there to share stories, teach her to ride a bike, and show her how to build things with his own hands. But when Joni entered the picture, everything changed. She had a sharp tongue and a cold demeanor, and it quickly became clear that she did not want Joy in their lives. Clayton, caught in a web of love and obligation, moved away and allowed Joni to dictate the terms of their relationship. Joy longed for her father, but every attempt to reach out was met with Joni’s icy disapproval. “You’re where you need t...

Maybe it's a good thing Drew didn't have to meet mom.  There's plenty of drama just with Dad,  ironic that.  Failed boundary established from conflict avoidance has led to,  as much, if not more drama.   I don't even know how to feel.  Thankful for Drew. Everything hurts.  And now we're in a rush to plan things for the after that hasn't happened.   Dates and times must be pre-approved by the sadist. this is going to be fun.  Life on #hardmode

It really is hard to keep things in perspective.  I don't understand. Heart hurts, am I breaking?  Update 11/22/2024: now I have to be there before March 31st or Dad's legacy pinball collection gets auctioned off.  such sad. 

 Oh yea... Terrible. Dad dying, worried about his stuff getting where he wants it to go.  So I'm not really sure why, but Dad keeps insisting that we need better plans for picking up pinball games after he is gone. I'm not sure why he feels like he needs to worry so much about this when he should be enjoying his last bit of time here. I have a feeling that it's not actually him that is all that concerned.  Drew asked him if we should plan another visit which was quickly met with a "NO, everyone is where they need to be". This hurt. It hurts to know that your dying father doesn't want to see you because he married such a sadist that you aren't allowed to exist without conflict. If you loved something, wouldn't you want to see it?  If someone really loved you, wouldn't they tolerate your children for you during your period of last wishes? Why would anyone do such horrible things only to hurt others? Even with such distance between us she's still ...

I think we need more abortions, not less.... I can think of a few that might have been helpful to society as a whole. Bummer about the election.  At least we'll be rich when we get sick and die without proper health coverage.  We'll have more money to go to probate when we do die, I guess...  Why are babies given such priority? Babies are so worthless. They grow up to be parasites just like the rest of us. Miserable mean people seem to live forever.

Devout agnostic, but I found this article to be quite interesting!   https://www.benjaminlcorey.com/could-american-evangelicals-spot-the-antichrist-heres-the-biblical-predictions/

I hate to leave Dad, but I concede and will leave as he has asked so that things can get back to normal for Terrible. She feels the need to storm off and rage back when she comes and goes. It's just not possible to exist in the same space, she hates me that much she has to leave the house. Dad said he wished that he could see me every day until he goes but that would make life so unpleasant for him because of Terrible. That hurts, but for how unwelcome I am here I'm starting to really look forward to going home where my existence isn't a problem... Now Dad's putting it in my head that I'm overstaying my welcome at their friend's house (Dad's words, not the friends - Again, trying to get me to leave so Terrible will be tolerable again). The neighbor helped us come up with an agreement that Terrible felt pressured into signing.  Visits will be scheduled and agreed with a few hours' notice.  Visits are limited to 3 hours maximum. Use front door to room with...

Anything Dad pays attention to that is not Terrible, Terrible hates with a passion. (Daughter, Tesla, Pinball)  Trying to get out to visit today. Neighbors have suggested asking for what time works for her and asking to speak with her to try to resolve any of this. OK, I'll try. What do I have to lose? I asked, now sounds like we don't get any time at all today. We are just sitting in some stranger's guest house waiting for authorization from the warden to visit her prisoner.  She's managing dad's visitation schedule, said she had some friends that were tentative and that we might be able to have the time that they don't want; Sounds like we get 0 visitation today. She says the friends want their visits to be exclusive, and that they haven't seen much of him. I haven't seen much of him at all for 17 years, since she moved him up here to NC. I came a lot further than the friends visiting too. I would also venture to guess that dad would like to have all o...

No Matter how much you need help, no one can help you and you must do it yourself. Bonds are strengthened through adversity and struggling together. Not all people are satisfied by the same things (wouldn't it be a piss-poor world if they were?) Love does not come easy, during the teenage years it is natural to find solace in hate. Love is undefinable, I referred to this as "Boundless" when I described dad in one-word. Energy exists. -Collab with Grandpa (letter to dad in 1974-ish?) That letter also says to sacrifice and do things for others because their thoughts should be included. How do you advocate for yourself in this instance? Struggle. Flight attendants will attest, you should put your mask on first. You can be guided by others even if it isn't the right path. It will be obvious if it is wrong soon after. If the advice is not from a source of love, do not take it. We change every day.  The fondest memories of people are of people that are not even those people...

The Commonwealth Fund regularly ranks healthcare around the world. The United States has come in last 2006, 2007, 2010, 2014, 2017 and 2021.  Home | Commonwealth Fund Dad Evidence: Dad was admitted to hospital 9/6/2024. This flew. He was diagnosed and then into Chemo a week later. The day he went in for his bone marrow biopsy was the day he was supposed to finally get to have a therapy appointment. Never received that Therapy, and no effort to try to help get one after a cancer diagnosis. I can't think of how to better illustrate the importance of mental health.... Didn't seem to be anyone in the hospital that offered any counseling either, but I did ask multiple departments (front desk, activities coordinator, nurses, drs, etc). He was trapped in a hospital with cancer, getting chemo... how is there not an on-site counselor?! My general doctor had suggested that I ask about counseling for the family/cancer when I got to the hospital. he assured me there were services available...

Times are tough here. I'm in North Carolina visiting my dad while he is dying of cancer. well... trying to.  His wife, Let's call her Terrible will not allow me to stay at Dad's during this time, so I'm at a friends guest house about 15 minutes away. I have to get authorization and then commute over to visit. The times I'm allowed access seem to be changing, which is not making anything easier.  She said she wanted 5-7 days alone with him before I would be allowed to be around him at all. Lucky for her a terrible storm rolled thru (Helene) and granted this wish. She wanted to have him show her how to run the house, I offered to help around the house so she could have more time to learn and do that but that was not how Terrible wanted it. I still think this time would have been better used for memories and things of importance. There are utube videos for how to run a generator (or spell it). If this house is too big and too hard to work, maybe a move or downsize is i...

I live in a house of hate  Full of regret in this mate The choices I made  allowing my daughter to fade Everything is a choice; failure to take action is a choice. Allowing hate to persist without correction is a choice. "I know when my time comes my biggest regret will be that I didn't have more time with my most incredible daughter". - Dad card 2023.

I am so excited to have the opportunity to visit dad and be welcomed where he is at! I haven't gotten much time with dad since before 2007, I am so lucky and so fortunate to have this time. A week... can I get more? He is in a safe space; I can find a safe space near him. I miss him so much, and I hate the hate that has kept him away.  I'll be able to see him, talk to him freely and he will be safe from all forms of abuse. I wish the conditions were better, but I am so looking forward to this visit with him so much.  I know everyone's Dad is their Hero, but my dad really is a hero. 

If it's not going well, talk about it.  If it's not changing, leave. There's no reason to live in Misery -That's a movie; not a place to stay...    You do NOT have to have your feelings validated by a therapist for them to be important enough to make life changing decisions! Trust your gut! DO NOT ACCEPT MISTREATMENT IN A RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T ASSERT YOUR BOUNDARIES. DO NOT COMPROMISE SELF-RESPECT.

Failure is the only path to success...  For FUCK'S SAKE, JUST SAY "THANK YOU" to people!

 

  Who do you want to be?  How do you want to be remembered?  You are the only one that gets to choose your reaction. 

I canceled my service years ago, just saw they charged me for something that was re-occurring yesterday. They will not fully refund and it's nearly impossible to cancel. Very dissatisfied with this service. It was challenging just finding the chatbot to get this done. There's not even a way to cancel on their portal.  what a world...  I'm melting. Bowie's impression of Hostgator's customer service for reference:

change jobs... still stressful. I'm starting to think it might be me and not the jobs at all. Not sure how to fix that...

 Things are stressful and busy, but they are good.  So thankful for Drew <3

 I suppose you could say I got a little overwhelmed at my job the other day, it's hard to manage your time when so much of time management relies on how much a client feels like doing. I was auditing back to back and had projects for the not so spare time. I panicked! At the height of this frustration, I found myself trolling around on Linkedin. Here, I found what looked like a perfect job. Enter Stryker! A Sr Supplier Quality Engineer position with a leader in the field. One of the early interviews was a Gallup interview that instantly felt like a failure and left my confidence in ruin. Turns out, it wasn't that bad and they wanted to go ahead with the team interviews. These went much better and it sounded like they had decided they wanted to hire me based on my resume and qualifications alone. How thrilling! What a compliment! I was even able to get to the offer table without naming a price. The price they came to me with was below what I was currently at so they decided to r...

I participated in my first-ever vendor market earlier this year. It was a lot of work leading up to it. I bought over 30 pounds of sweet potatoes to make dog treats. Had some leftover. I found that the best treats were actually the cookies. The best part of the cookies was giving them to people at the bar that had brought their dogs. We went to Meteor after the event was over. Overall, I think it was a break-even endeavor if you don't count labor as a cost. which doesn't say a lot for sustainability as a business... but I did have to buy a lot to go into this, mostly table, paper cutter, bags, etc. the sweet potatoes from Aldi were the cheapest.   

Are you going to listen to messages? What do they say? Where's the creativity come from? What do you want to do?  

 

Parties used to be a thing... People gathering in general... Starting to really miss things like this but so thankful that I had the oppertunity to see everyone that was able to come out for this! What a blast! Nothing to motivate a house cleaning project like having friends over (and needing the space to decorate!). 

GWAR! This was Fun Fun Fun fest in 2010. I was so excited to see GWAR walking around I got a picture with them!  I missed out on getting a shirt, they (and their merch) only stayed the day they played and I didn't even go to a merch tent that day. This picture was better than any shirt, though, and takes up less space!  

 

Had so much fun in the paper mache! Probably have't made a pinata since grade school! He's full of Rum, Candy, Lais, and pirate booty. This was part of the party preparation for Talk Like a Pirate double feature in the backyard tomorrow! The final product! pretty pleased with how this came out. Alfi is terrified of him, maybe it's too realistic? Forming the body and the first coats of paint! First face iterations. Had to change to something a little less happy cartoon. All of these face components got nixed.  Face overhaul. updated eyebrows, eyes, and mouth.